Up in Smoke Revisited

I quit smoking on April 19. 

Then I cheated a little here and there.  Just one or two smokes.  

Then out for a nite for a few drinks the next week - sure I can buy a pack.  Just a small pack instead of the full size.  20 smokes instead of the substantially larger 25. Hell, I gave half of them away!  No big deal!

But then I did it again the next night.

That's it.  No more.

And I was good!  3 weeks, not a single smoke!  I'm officially a non-smoker!  Congratulations me!

Then one bright sunny day, parking my car at the Walmart, I see this older lady lighting up a smoke.  I don't know why, but I thought, sure, why not?  I can have a smoke on this beautiful sunny afternoon.  I go up to the lady and ask for a cigarette.  I try to give her a loonie and she kindly says, "no, no - please have one".  I borrow her lighter and there I stand in the parking lot beside my vehicle, basking in the sun, enjoying this sneaky smoke.  Afterward, I go home, have a shower, brush my teeth to make sure no one can smell it on me.

A few days go by, all good, no smoking required.  See, I'm still a non-smoker (again).

Then after ball on the following Thursday night, as always, our team goes out for beer and wings.  As we're leaving the restaurant, I happen to be walking to the parking lot with the one other guy on my team who is a smoker.  I ask him if he can spare a smoke and he happily obliges.  He happens to have a full pack, and we enjoy a smoke and a chat in the parking lot.

The next day, I buy a pack.  Don't worry - it's just a small pack.  See, I'm heading up to open the cottage for the weekend, and I think "wouldn't it be nice to have a smoke for a nice walk on the beach or by the fire for the evening, it's just this one weekend to open the cottage".

I stretch the pack out across the whole weekend, telling myself that's it.  I'm good now.

And I'm good, until Tuesday.  Another small pack.  I'll just have 2 or 3 a day.

I stretch that pack over the next 3 days.  Then the weekend comes.  Catherine is at her parents' for the weekend so I don't have anyone to see me smoking, and I go get another pack for the weekend.  Hmm, this pack only lasts 'til Saturday night - shit it was just a small pack.  So I get another on Sunday - that's it tho, I'll go back to 2 or 3 a day.  See, I'm not actually back to smoking, not for real.  I've still quit being a 'smoker'.  I'm sure I'll just stop after this pack.

G sends me a text asking how the smoking is going and I tell him about caving and buying a pack, and then tell him I'll try to cut them out 'tomorrow'.

Tomorrow comes and we get a call, Cath's mom fell and is in the hospital again.  We need to rush to Toronto to see if everything's alright.  I hadn't had a smoke at all that day, as I was with Cath and I didn't want her to know I'd been sneaking a few smokes here and there.

While we're driving, I'm fidgeting like a motherfucker.  I'm super-stressed about this constant back and forth to Toronto to deal with Cath's mom who is likely on her last few weeks/months with us on planet earth, and what that means long-term with Cath's dad and John.  Of course, worrying about shit starts me worrying about other shit, like my business that's not yet successful, the money strain that's caused, which of course sends me spiraling about every other fucking worry I can possibly imagine - holy shit the sky is falling!!  So I say to Cath, "that's it, I need a smoke" and she says, "do you want one"? 

Here I thought she had quit along with me, but she says "I didn't quit, I just stopped smoking around you as I thought that would be helpful for your trying to quit". Oh. Whatever, that's cool.  "Yes, give me a smoke".  So that's it, I'm not hiding from anyone now, we stop to fill up at the gas station on our way, and I buy my own pack.  Not some small pack, full size this time.  And we smoke our cigarettes on our ride to the city, just like I had never quit.  Finish that pack, buy another, then another.  Thursday comes and I decide fuck this is stupid.  Tomorrow's the day.  May 31 - that will be my final day.  

First thing Friday morning, I go to the store to buy my last and final pack.  Small pack this time since I'm quitting today.

See, I figure I can end on this last day of May, start the new month fresh as a non-smoker.  Most the day goes by, and I smoke basically as normal, but I'm counting each one.  Happens to be a beauty day, so each smoke is enjoyed in the beautiful sunshine in the backyard.  

Like last time, I will relish the final 5, and again write my "Up in Smoke" blog.

#5 - Start this blog by reading the last one.  Damn, that last blog was pretty damn good.  This one pales in comparison.  I barely enjoyed that 5th last smoke, I was more preoccupied with writing and reading.

#4 - Well shit, I didn't plan this timing very well!  I was so focused on writing this, that I didn't realize it was now after midnight.  Ok, so June 1 will be the day I QUIT, not just start as a non-smoker.  But the question is, for my final few, should I bang them all out before I go to bed, or should I leave one or two to be my final smokes with that cherished morning coffee pairing?  Ok.  That's it.  I will have two tonight (4 & 3) and the final 2 with my coffee in the morning.  In my last post about quitting, #5 was how smoking makes you a liar (I think I covered that thoroughly in this post as well) and #4 was about smoking in stupid weather.  Well, today's weather was beautiful so I need to take a different tack here with this one.   Bottom line, I don't want to be a smoker.  My mother-in-law is laid up in the hospital as a result of heart failure.  Her brain is shot.  She's in pain.  It's miserable for her, and everybody who cares for her.  It's sad, and it's shit.  Now, she wasn't a smoker, that's not what caused her bad ticker, but I know damn well that smoking for the past 35 years has put me at serious risk of ending up just like that.  Fuck that noise.  Quitting isn't going to guarantee anything, but I know damn well that I run a significantly lower risk of not ending up in that situation if I stop now, while keeping up with the other things like drinking less (4 beers today, but mostly cause I wanted to compliment my final smokes, not really for any other reason), eating good, working out  - all of which I've been doing damn good at for the past 6 weeks.  Why fuck up those good things with the smokes.

Don't fuck up all the positive progress on the other things ya dumb shit. Quit the damn smokes.

#3 - Ok.  I'm going to finish off this beer, take the pups outside and have that 3rd last smoke.  Perhaps I'll come up with something meaningful about why smoking is idiotic, infantile, incomprehensible behavior while enjoying the night air.  Oh wait, I think I just did.  

FYI - it was kinda cold, didn't really enjoy or cherish this cigarette.  No reflection other than "why the fuck am I sitting outside shivering while sucking back this smoke, other than for the sake of sucking back this smoke."

#2 - Decided I should enjoy my 2nd last smoke indoors.  Leave my final last smoke for the morning.  I don't need two coffee smokes, one will do.  I had no reflections, I just smoked it while I uploaded a video to X and TikTok to promote my book.  No enjoyment, no reflection, no reason to smoke it.  

Smoking itself is a waste.  Perhaps the nicotine has value, but the smoking?  Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

#1 - Another bright, sunshiny day!  Coffee fresh from the Keurig.  Time to head outside and smoke that last smoke.  I almost light it up without thought or consideration of this being the last one.  Oops.

Pause. Reflect. Light 'er up!

Why did I ever start doing this?  It wasn't because of peer pressure.  My parents didn't smoke.  I guess I think it gave me a bit of 'edge', my version of not doing what other people tell me to do.  I started smoking before Rage came out with "Killing in the Name Of" but that famous chorus "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me" probably best articulates my overall general motivation for starting - and continuing smoking.  I don't like to be told what to do, who really does?  I like to think of myself as my own person.  Everyone else constantly talking about smoking being bad, saying thing things like "that shit'll kill you" - well, "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me" kinda resonates.  Writing this now - obviously, that's idiotic.  There are many more impactful and positive ways to be your own person, but the reality is I think I have always used smoking in this capacity.  However dumb that may sound now.  

Fuck you cigarette.  I won't do what you tell me.

Saturday, June 1, 2024.