Up in Smoke

A few weeks ago I went to my doctor to discuss my shoulder.  It didn’t actually hurt bad, but for the past 2-3 months, anytime I used it playing hockey, lifting or exerting it doing near anything it was substantially weaker than normal, and it created an uncomfortable soreness.  With both baseball and golf season approaching I wanted to make sure – so I went to the doc.

She gave me a requisition for an ultrasound to get it checked out and recommended I go to physio.  But since I was there, she thought it a good time to order some blood work to check up on things.  Got my blood work back, and I checked out my own results online - cholesterol levels not looking good.  Had a follow up appointment booked with the doc.

For the next week I was kinda dreading going to see her, as I already knew the news wasn’t gonna be good.  Drank more than normal to deal with my stress – so dumb. 

She nicely, but firmly told me my drinking & smoking and not-so-awesome diet are contributing to the fact that she can now accurately estimate that I’m up to a 30% chance of developing heart disease before I turn 60.  Fuck. 

She prescribes statins.  I fuckin hate pharmaceuticals.  I avoid taking Tylenol for headaches for christsakes.  No way to do I want to be dealing with whatever side-effects some along with the ride taking statins. 

Time to make some decisions.  Stop drinking?  Stop smoking? Eat better?  Exercise more consistently?  All of the above??

First step, I call and book an appointment with a naturopathic doctor.  I want a 2nd opinion to see if I can put off starting the statins with some behavior changes.  He thinks it could work and we put together a diet plan starting with a seed/nut/fruit/soy packed breakfast shake.  Cut out the CheezeWhiz.  Cut out the smokes.  Cut back on the drinking – a lot (completely??).  DAILY exercise. 

I’ve smoked a pack a day since I was in high school.  I love beer.  Especially on Fridays.

I don’t like this, but even the Dr. Matt, the ND showed me my cholesterol ratio being off the chart putting me at 3X the risk of a heart attack vs the average person my age.  Said there’s a good chance if I make all the changes I need to, I can stay off the statins.  We’ll reassess in 3 months.

So – no beer.  Went to the bulk barn and loaded up the ingredients for his special healthy breakfast shake.  Went to Walmart and stocked up on some salad supplies for lunch.  Healthy chicken/potatoes/Daal Mahkni/salad dinner with no snacks afterwards.  One diet coke, a couple coffees afterwards and then water for the rest of the night.

Last pack of smokes.  Smoked normally most of the day but went out and hit 9 holes (walking) and didn’t bring any smokes with me.  Put my last 5 cigarettes aside with a plan.  Going to smoke the last 5 while doing this.  Writing down why I need to stop them.  I fucking love nicotine but I’d like to see the far side of 80.  My oldest grandparent died at 84.  Others went at 72,65 & 64.  I’d like to beat Grammie’s record and get to 85 at least.  If T has a kid, I want to be a grandfather to them, not a dead one.

So what’s the plan for the final 5 smokes?

5th Last Cigarette:   Recall every time I ever had to hide, sneak, pretend I didn’t smoke.  I remember stealing half-smoked cigs from Grandmother’s ashtray.  I remember sneaking some Peter Jackson’s out of her pack when I was 13.  I remember hiding my smokes under my bed so my parents couldn’t find them in high school.  I remember when the kids were little, and we didn’t smoke in front of them and lying to say I was going to the bathroom while at a restaurant and sneaking outside for a smoke.  I remember during one period where I ‘quit’, and covering up the smell on my hands by rubbing orange rinds on them so Cath couldn’t smell it on my skin.  Lying to your parents, your wife and your kids about smoking at least a few hundred times.  Smoking in hotels and pretending you didn’t.  Hiding the butts so the cleaners don’t rat you out. 

Smoking makes you a liar.  Lying’s not cool.  Stop smoking dummy.

4th Last Cigarette:  Hmm.  Having this one with that morning coffee.  What could be bad about this?  Usually so delightful.  Oh ya – it’s a ritual around smoking.  Staying at a hotel, needing to go down to the lobby, then outside on a cold rainy morning.  Wind is ripping but since you don’t know how to start the day without one you’re out there shivering, not dressed right and one of your clients walks out of the same lobby seeing you sucking on a smoke, shivering in your ballcap and wrinkled clothes all so you can stick to that ritual.  Doesn’t matter how cold or wet or windy, the day just doesn’t start right without that smoke & coffee.  How many other times did you stand outside in the cold, wet rain – or perhaps in a near blizzard just to be able to stick to this routine?  Just to be able to ‘enjoy’ that smoke?  And of course, braving the elements to have a smoke isn’t just reserved for that morning smoke!  Out for dinner?  Still need to go outside and have that smoke!  At a party and you’re the only one there who smokes, so you still go outside to puff one back while everyone else stays warm inside continuing their fun?    Bottom line, smoking makes you do things you actually don’t like to do!  I hate cold, windy & wet days – yet for no other reason than to stick to the smoking routine, I’m standing out there bundled up and shivering while sucking back a smoke.  How stupid.

Smoking makes you do things you don’t like doing.  Freezing outside for no reason is stupid.  Quit smoking moron.

3rd Last Cigarette: On my last coffee of the morning, about to go workout, perfect time for a smoke!  So dumb.  Spend hours and hours and hours exercising to look better, feel better, be better at sports – and start the workout with a smoke.  How dumb is that?  I love playing ball, great sport, nothing like hitting a home run, running around the bases at top speed, then coming to the bench and lighting up a smoke.  How about playing hockey for an hour, sweating from every pore due to exerting yourself to be moderately effective, getting out of the shower then jumping in the car to then light up a smoke you can hardly smoke because your body hasn’t recovered from exhausting your lung capacity on the ice.  Sitting there in your vehicle puffing on a smoke you can’t even smoke.  Asinine behavior. 

Smoking is contrarian to being good at the things that bring you exhilaration and joy.  Limiting your ability to be better at what you really enjoy doing.  Stop smoking, tool.

2nd Last Cigarette: Ah…sitting in my office (aka garage) drawing out this cigarette.  Makes me think of the smell.  What exactly does my office smell like to someone who doesn’t smoke??  I’ve smoked in here for the 20 years (almost) that we’ve lived here.  The stucco ceiling is a perfectly stained color of yellow that is synonymous with smoking indoors.  As far as smell goes, I’ve actually been pretty fortunate – smoke odor doesn’t seem to stick to me like it does some folks but of course it stinks to any nearly any non-smoker. I’m sure it’s my own version of a personal cologne.  Guess I’ll have to find a new smell.  Honestly, I hate the smell of cigarette butts.  When I’m walking on the beach I refuse to litter, so I twist out my cigarettes and then put the butt in my pocket.  If I forget to empty them, then later when I’m sitting inside the smell of them just goes right to my nose.  It’s obnoxious. Gross. I run to throw them out to get them out of my pockets.  Yet I imagine to some folks that smell I hate is what they smell when they smell me.  Yuck.  Then of course there is the litter.  Driving around, smoking cigs and just casually tossing butts out the window.  I fuckin hate litter.  When I’m walking through a parking lot and see litter I’ll stop to pick it up.  It’s disrespectful to litter.  Yet, how many butts have I tossed out the window?  Imagine them in a pile!  Based on some quick math, I’ve likely smoked around 300,000 cigarettes in my life (25 in a pack, pack a day, 365 days a year, 35 years of smoking=319,375).  Let’s assume I smoked 20% of them in a car or outside without an ashtray – that’s 60,000 cigarette butts scattered to the ground – for other people to have to look at and pick up – and smell.  Disgusting actions.

Smoking makes you a bad smelling littering piece of shit.  Don’t smoke ya fuckin numpty.

Final Smoke.  The last one.  No more.

As I sit here about to light my last one.  I’m thinking that smoking has an odd opposite effect on creating connections, relationships, with others.  Often going ‘out for a smoke’ is a unique opportunity to have an engaged conversation and build a strong connection between people.  But what about your connection with the majority of people who don’t go ‘out for a smoke’.  Likely some of those people write you off, judge you based on this choice.  They in fact don’t want to know you, if you choose to smoke.  I’m recalling a scene from the war movie ‘The Covenant’ (great flick)!  In the flick when assessing team members, the sergeant played by Jake Gyllenhaal’s first and most important assessment was “you smoke”?  Knowing that if they did, they’d be a liability to their team.  Not someone he wanted to associate with. To depend on.  And maybe that’s exactly what others may think of smokers.  As someone who makes a bad choice for themselves, and as a result, are not as dependable.  Perhaps it even inspires less confidence in your judgement, your character as a person.  Regardless, smoking weakens not only your lungs, your heart, your health – it weakens your character, your perception by others.  Fostering strong, lasting connection with others relies on our ability to demonstrate our value to others, and if some people view us negatively, it weakens our ability to build lasting connections.  Oh yeah, and smoking will probably kill ya early.  You won’t be around to foster those relationships as long, anyway. 

The best part of all of this shit – you pay for the experience.  Smoking ain’t cheap.  I’ve always refused to buy cheap crap.  $20 a pack for me!  Over my 35 years as a smoker, I’d guess the average price of a pack was $12.50.  Back to that math – 300,000 smokes, 12,000 packs.  At $12.50 – that’s a cool $150,000.  Seriously.  $150K invested over 35 years in a behavior, a habit, that creates other shitty habits like lying or standing needlessly in the cold, weakens your ability to succeed in sports, weakens your ability to make connections with other people, makes you smelly shitty and substantially increases your risk of dying so you can’t enjoy the company of your friends and family. 

Holy fuck.  This last smoke tastes great.  Feels great.  But not good enough to keep doing it. 

Out.